Patience and Frustration
Posted on September 15 2018
Frustration and Patience. I’m not sure which should come first because I feel like I’m struggling with both right now. I’m frustrated that I don’t have more patience. I need to be more patient and less frustrated. Not to mention, I feel like I should just take another minute to be thankful I’m lucky enough to be here struggling with patience and frustration at all.
I’ve done this a couple times before so I’m familiar enough with recovery to know you take a few steps forward and a couple back, but that doesn’t make it any more palatable. I want to keep going forward and take absolutely zero steps back, but the body has a funny way of reminding you to slow down and let healing happen. One minute you’re feeling a bit like your old self so you decide to push it and that works so then you push it a little more. Probably one push too many and you find yourself feeling leveled and somewhat defeated.
One minute you’re making an ass of yourself in front of a studio audience trying out to be a dancer for the travel trivia segment on Live with Kelly and Ryan and the next I’m laying flat on my back in bed staring up at the white ceiling questioning my judgement. Really, Inger? Really? I couldn’t help myself, but yes... I should try. That’s where I am right now. I need to help myself cultivate patience and release frustration.
Actually, where I was earlier today was walking through the aisles of CVS with Mike fighting back tears and then I totally lost it and started balling my eyes out in the “As Seen on TV” section. I broke down. Mike turns to me in a panic and says “What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” All I could say was, “I’m fine. I’m just frustrated. I’m frustrated with my body.” Mike was like, “uh, listen, I feel like I could get a lot of trouble with you crying in CVS in Harlem with all these IV track marks in your arms.” I mean the guy had a point. There we were, the only two white people in the place, and a strung out looking blonde haired chick is crying hysterically. Then again, maybe no one would think anything of it.
So I’ve taken a few steps forward and a couple back. I’m looking forward to taking a few more steps forward sooner rather than later.